


excuses are like assholes (you can't use them everywhere)

by curlydots



Category: Gintama
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 10:48:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19810720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlydots/pseuds/curlydots
Summary: They blame the cold the first time it happens.





	excuses are like assholes (you can't use them everywhere)

They blame the cold the first time it happens. He and Katsura are crowded into the same tent for the third night in a row, freezing their nuts off, and fresh from battle. Neither of them is seriously hurt but they're both exhausted and Katsura is bruised up enough to be irritable. It's a far cry from sleeping next to each other as kids.

Still the basics are familiar. Katsura's hair keeps ending up in his face and Gintoki "accidentally" elbows him more than once. Katsura steals the blankets so they wind up crowded together to keep warm. Things only feel different, feel completely unfamiliar in fact, when he wakes up just before dawn, lying on top of Katsura.

If Katsura ever cared about personal space a few years being friends with Gintoki cured him of that, it's just that Gintoki also happens to be really hard. Katsura is awake and they’re both breathing too quickly.

"S-sorry," Gintoki says quietly.

Katsura jolts back to stare at him. "Are you okay? Did that Amanto hit you harder than I thought? If your brain is hemorrhaging--"

"If one of us has brain damage it sure as hell isn't me!" He rolls onto his side. "Idiot."

Gintoki's heart is still pounding. He does his best to breathe quieter. "You're--you're hogging the blanket."

“I’m trying not to freeze to death.”

He tugs at the blanket but Katsura pulls back. The tent is too dark for the flush on Gintoki's face to be visible but he doesn't turn around.

"It's cold," Katsura says.

"It's winter, it's always cold."

Katsura tugs again but he doesn’t move until Katsura grabs his shoulder and rolls him onto his back.

"It's cold," Katsura says again. He lifts the blanket, expression completely neutral despite Gintoki's glaring. They stare at each other for a long moment.

"Yeah," Gintoki says eventually, "it's pretty cold." He scoots in closer and then closer still, probably too close but it is, after all, really cold. Katsura's body is warm under his arm. Gintoki resists the urge to swallow. His erection still hasn't gone down.

"Hey," Katsura says. He looks at Gintoki's length snug against his hip. "Gintoki."

"I know," Gintoki snaps. "I just woke up."

Katsura doesn't stop staring. "Gintoki."

"It doesn't mean anything, it just happens."

"Gintoki, shut up for a second." Katsura frees his arm from the blanket. He's not quite meeting his eyes. They're both looking at Gintoki's erection. "Listen, should I..."

Gintoki blinks. "Should you what?"

"You know." Katsura shrugs. " _Should I_."

"Should you--oh! Hell yeah!" Gintoki tries not to wince. "Or don't. Do what you want. If you feel like it. Doesn't matter."

"Okay."

Gintoki looks up, staring past Katsura's head. Katsura's hand is freezing when he brushes his fingers along the skin between his pants and shirt. Gintoki doesn't really care but he does flinch.

"Hold on." Katsura breathes on his hand a couple times before touching his stomach again. "This okay?"

A couple days ago he'd kicked Gintoki in the dick after an Uno match and a week before that Gintoki had shoved snow down Katsura's pants. Gintoki nods anyway. He's sweating though he could've sworn he was freezing a couple minutes earlier. Katsura stares down at where his hand disappears into Gintoki's pants.

"I-I didn't think you knew your way around a dick," Gintoki says, voice only wavering slightly.

"I've got one of my own, don't I?" Katsura says. "Could you ease up on my waist?"

"Huh? Oh." He relaxes his grip on Katsura's hip. "My bad."

Neither of them bring it up in the morning and things are pretty much normal. He's nearly forgotten about it until their group runs into a river and they have a chance to wash off. Katsura undresses and then scrubs himself down as quickly as he can. Gintoki tries to do the same only he keeps wondering if maybe one bruise on Katsura’s hip looks different from the others.

Katsura turns and Gintoki whips back around, whistling loudly.

He and Katsura are on different watch rotations and don't share a tent again for a while. They still see each other plenty and things aren't weird. It's just that sometimes when he gets his own tent he thinks about Katsura touching him and jerks off. He tries not to feel bad about it. It beats thinking about dead Amanto 24/7.

It happens a second time because of the heat. They're crammed into a tent again, only this time they're trying not to touch or share body heat, and undressed as much as they can be. He's gone nose blind to the way both of them smell.

He's been tossing for a while and switches to turning only to find himself staring at Katsura's back. The way his hair sticks to his sweaty skin, a pattern of stiches across his shoulder. He'd been there a couple weeks back when Katsura'd gotten that injury and present for the stitching.

Gintoki touches the scar and traces the raised skin. It's rough and uneven, the skin hot.

Katsura shivers and looks at him over his shoulder. He wasn't asleep either.

"It's hot," he says dumbly.

Katsura nods and scoots closer which makes the heat worse. He touches Gintoki's face.

If he was hot before kissing Katsura makes him feel like he might melt. Katsura also doesn't know what he's doing so it's awkward and messy. Gintoki kind of wants to stop and grab a napkin but also he doesn't remotely want to stop.

"Why'd you stop?" he asks when Katsura pulls away.

"Is this okay?" he asks.

Gintoki thinks of something appropriately rude to say but only manages a quiet, "Yeah. It's good."

Kissing is all that happens that night because eventually Katsura mumbles, "too hot," and rolls away again. It's a relief because he can breathe but he can still feel the awkward shove of Katsura's lips against his, like the vertigo of getting off a rocky ship. He feels it for days.

A battle is to blame next time. Katsura nearly gets himself decapitated saving another solider from decapitation. Nobody dies and Katsura walks away with a few new stiches on his throat. Gintoki is glad he's safe.

"You're a fucking idiot Zura," is what he says when he finally finds Katsura.

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"You're a fucking idiot Katsura."

"That's better."

Katsura is on watch duty even though he's injured because he’s trying to drive Gintoki insane. There isn't anyone around, enemies or allies, but Gintoki might have sunken to his knees even if they'd had company.

"Holy shit, Gintoki," Katsura says. He nearly falls over when Gintoki starts sucking him off which is a real confidence booster. Gintoki had a prostitute do this to him once and tries to copy what she did to minimal success. Still Katsura's loud and off balance in seconds, clutching Gintoki's hair.

Gintoki'd come very quickly with a warm mouth on him but that isn't happening with Katsura. He decides it’s because he's new to this, not because Katsura has better endurance than him.

Right around then Katsura whispers his name and comes. Gintoki is proud of himself for a second and then he's jerking back and spitting on the ground.

"Gross, Zura!" he says, wiping his mouth.

Katsura breathes heavily and tries to straighten out his hair. "That's...a little insulting."

"Easy for you to say!" He shoves Katsura's hip. "Come tastes gross!"

"I doubt it's that bad."

"You wanna try it?!"

Katsura pauses and then sits on his knees. "Well. Fair's fair."

Gintoki frowns. "What, seriously?"

"I don't mind. If you want me to."

"Whatever." Gintoki climbs unsteadily to his feet. "Do it then. Either way."

"Eh, you're not so special," Sakamoto says, in a conversation that Gintoki denies for the rest of his life, "war makes plenty of people horny. No point feeling weird about it!"

Gintoki snatches the sake bottle from his hands. "Not sure if that helps."

"Okay fine, everyone kinda wants to fuck Zura! Stop making it complicated!"

"Fuck, could you lower your voice?!"

Sakamoto laughs. "I'm sure any eavesdroppers agree!" He leans over the side of the roof. "Right Takasugi?"

Gintoki scrambles to his feet and nearly falls off the roof.

"Right what?" Takasugi asks, squinting up at them.

"The hell are you eavesdropping for?!"

"A man can't go take a drunken piss in the middle of the night?! I don't give a shit what you morons are up to!"

"Everyone wants to fuck Zura, right?" Sakamoto asks.

"Tatsuma!"

Takasugi stares silently at them. He clears his throat.

"It's the hair," he mumbles. Sakamoto bursts into laughter. "Fuck both of you! I'm gonna go piss somewhere else!"

"See you later!" Sakamoto yells after him

Gintoki groans, head on his knees. Sakamoto steals back the sake. "Feel better?"

"No!"

"Poor Gintoki! His super-hot best friend wants to fuck him! Come on, have some pity on those of us who only have our sword hands keeping us company!"

"Forget I said anything."

"Working on it," he says, taking a very large swing of sake.

One of the few times they stop near a town, Gintoki gets turned away from a brothel because they're low on ladies. He doesn't see Sakamoto around meaning he probably got in and Takasugi was injured and taking it easy.

"You get turned away too?" he asks Katsura when he gets back to camp. Katsura is sitting by the fire and shoveling down his dinner.

"I didn't bother," Katsura says. "I have other things to worry about."

"Were the ladies too young for you? I think one of them had crow’s feet."

"I already told you I have other things to worry about." His shoulders sag. "Besides she was booked all night."

"Ha!" Gintoki sits next to him. "Knew it. Guess neither of us is scoring tonight."

Besides him Katsura goes still. Gintoki is in the middle of pouring himself a drink when he hears his words again in his head. His face heats up. They both look in different directions. Katsura coughs.

"You eat dinner?" Katsura asks.

"Not hungry." He looks down at his water. "Is there anything to drink around here?"

"Nothing alcoholic." Katsura puts down his bowl and twiddles his thumbs. "Um—"

"Okay, fine!" Gintoki shoots to his feet, pulling Katsura too. "I don't mind throwing you a bone if you're going to whine about it!"

"I wasn't really whining?"

"Forget it!" Gintoki yells, walking faster. "I already agreed!"

"Zura, will you take this stupid thing off," Gintoki says, tugging on Katsura's eye patch.

"It's not Zura, it's Captain--" Gintoki snaps the eye patch. "Katsura. Ouch."

"This is kinda fun." Gintoki sits up and does it again. "Stop moving."

"Ouch. Knock that off." Katsura slaps his hand away.

"Your fault."

The roof was too hot earlier in the day but now that the sun is going down it’s relaxing. He can hear Kagura and Shinpachi down in Otose's bar but as far as they know he's still out on a job.

Katsura takes off the eye patch and then tackles the rest of his disguise. Right around the time he's taking off his pirate coat he looks at Gintoki. "What?"

Gintoki turns away. "What, what?"

Katsura peels off his fake scar. Neither of them say anything for a while and Gintoki keeps his eyes fixed on the city. Its been years since he's so much as kissed Katsura and he's struggling to remember how those usually started. He's been thinking about it a lot since he ran into Katsura again.

Katsura was sitting in his knees earlier but he leans back with a sigh once he's done. Gintoki inches closer to him, still looking at nothing in particular. He leans in at a glacial pace, changes his mind and sits up, and then changes his mind and moves towards Katsura again.

Katsura turns around and Gintoki freezes a couple inches from his face. "What are you doing?"

Gintoki lays back as casually as he can. "I thought you had something ugly on your face. Turns out it was just your face."

"When did you start needing glasses Gintoki? Has watching T.V. all day finally ruined your eyes?"

"Someone's got to say it."

Katsura rolls his eyes.

He absolutely doesn't believe Nizo is capable of killing Katsura but the sight of him holding Katsura's hair leaves an uncomfortable feeling in his gut. Especially after he goes up against Benizakura on his own.

"Gintoki?" Katsura asks once everything's over. They're both drenched because Katsura had to drag them to the pier after they jumped off Takasugi's ship. "Are you sure you should be moving around this much?"

His stitches hurt, he's exhausted, and they're both freezing. "I'm fine." He kisses Katsura again, only the second they've had in the past decade. "Less talking more fucking, kay?"

"Your funeral," Katsura mumbles before he finally kisses Gintoki back. He wraps his legs around Gintoki's waist and Gintoki grits his teeth, grabs Katsura's ass and prays for the best.

If he spends the next couple days stuck in bed it's not like anyone can tell he tore his stitches in anything but a fight.

On New Years he gets drunk like usual but to his surprise Katsura does too. They're all at the Shimura's place and it's long past midnight. Shinpachi is trying to clean up even though the party isn't over and Kagura is passed out in the corner after eating everything that Otae didn't personally make.

Katsura is leaning on his shoulder which means Gintoki can't get comfortable without dislodging him. Luckily most of the beer is on his side of the table.

"Hey... Gintoki," Katsura whispers in his ear. The proximity makes him shiver.

Gintoki lowers his beer. "What?"

Katsura hiccups. He tugs on Gintoki's shirt. "Hey Gintoki."

"What is it? What do you want?"

"Gintoki, would you let me fuck you?"

Gintoki chokes and nearly upends the table getting to his feet. "O-Otae, watch Kagura for me would you?"

"Huh? Why?" Otae asks.

"Because—“ Gintoki tries to keep talking but Katsura fell into an elegant sprawl when Gintoki got up and isn't even pretending to look at Gintoki's face.

"Gin-san?"

"What?" He blinks at Otae. "I don't know! I can't think of a good lie! We're gonna go earn our Mature rating so just watch her for me please?"

Otae hums innocently. "I'm already babysitting one person," she says, laying a hand on Kyuubei's head in her lap. "I'll be kind since you're being honest."

He grabs Katsura by the elbow. "Not looking that gift horse in the mouth. See ya!"

They all but sprint back to Odd Jobs after that, slowed only by Katsura shoving him against every available surface to kiss him and try to get under his clothes. He's still feeling pleasantly warm and loopy when they make it back to Odd Jobs and he's lost his yukata somewhere on the street.

He breaks the door because Katsura runs into him and they knock it over. He wants to punch him but the tongue in his mouth makes that impossible. Katura yanks the zipper of his shirt down and then fumbles with his pants. It's all very rough and domineering for Katsura which Gintoki finds he likes very much.

Katsura shoves a hand into his boxers and Gintoki swears. "Do you want it Gintoki?" he asks, voice husky.

He jerks up into Katsura's hand, making some embarrassing noise. He's pretty sure his head is going to explode.

"Gintoki," Katsura says. "Gintoki."

Gintoki pulls on his kimono, dragging Katsura on top of him.

"Gintoki," Katsura says, in his much less sexy voice. He pulls his hand out of Gintoki's boxers. "That wasn't rhetorical. Do you want to have sex with me?"

"Would you just fuck me, you idiot!"

"Two parfait please," Katsura says, sitting down across from him in the cafe. Elizabeth isn't with him, though he'd seen the two of them together earlier. Gintoki raises an eyebrow.

"Whatever it is count me out," he says firmly. The parfait arrives a little later and Gintoki still takes it

"Why must I be scheming? I can't buy my dear friend dessert for no reason?"

"I swear to God," Gintoki says with a mouthful of ice cream, "if your duck went missing again—"

"Just eat your stupid sugar Gintoki."

Gintoki means to finish it slowly and delay talking to Katsura but two bites in instinct takes over and he chugs the entire thing. "Okay, what the hell do you want? Quickly, before I change my mind." Katsura slides the second parfait towards him. Gintoki accepts it eagerly. "We overthrowing the government or something?"

"Would that only cost two parfait?! No, that's a problem for another time." Katsura puts his elbows on the table, interlacing his fingers. "You know how we only have sex at unexpected times?"

Gintoki stops eating. "What."

"You know, on the spur of the moment."

"You're losing me."

"Like when we're drunk. Or when we got our bodies back after getting turned into cats." Katsura counts on his fingers. "Or after plot arcs. Or that time in space when we were wearing those Elizabeth costumes. Or when one of us hasn't been sleeping. Or if Takasugi comes up in conversation—"

Gintoki gets up.

"Ma'am?" Katsura says to the waitress. "Another parfait please?"

Gintoki sits back down. "Get to your point."

"It's obvious." Katsura looks away. "I'm propositioning you."

Gintoki blinks. "Zura, what the fuck?"

"As much as I might enjoy our, um, romps," Katsura says, "I thought it'd be nice if we actually pretended to be adults. Or something. So I'm buying you a parfait."

"Shit." Gintoki slouches, rubbing his face. "Zura, this is really embarrassing. Like, definitely in the top 50 for most embarrassing things you've done to me."

"Agreed. Is that a no?"

"Do we have to talk about this? I think we've got a good system going."

Katsura is sitting under the table, haori pulled over his head. "Do I look like I want to have this conversation? We're not teenagers anymore. We should be able to admit to being attracted to each other."

"You already know how I feel about you, you stupid dumb idiot!"

"Sometimes. Not always. It would help if we talked about it."

"You just overthink everything."

"Yes but I also don't know if our relationship is all that different from your relationships with Sakamoto or Takasugi."

"I've never!" Gintoki ducks his head under the table. "I've never fucked Sakamoto or Takasugi!" he hisses.

"You haven't?"

"No, of course not! I'm in love with _you_ , stupid!" Gintoki reels back. "Wait, have you fucked either of them?"

"You're in love with me?"

"Fucking duh! Answer the question!"

"I feel the same."

"Not that, egghead! We've been on and off for a decade! Of course you....you....". Heat rushes to Gintoki's face.

Katsura tugs his haori down further. Underneath it his face is bright red but his expression is stern. "Love you. Correct."

Gintoki lays his head on the table. "This is the worst."

"Yes, I'm happy too." Katsura's head bangs into the table as he climbs out from under it. He sits back down. "It was Sakamoto. I may have drunkenly gone into the wrong tent. It was dark and you have similarly stupid hair. He had no objections."

Gintoki grunts. "Surprised we didn't catch anything from him but I can live with that. As long as it wasn't Takasugi."

"Takasugi and I never got past making out."

"Ew, you made out with Takasugi?!"

"Only twice. Before he was evil. And once after he became evil."

"Am I at least a better kisser than him?"

Katsura is silent.

"Zura, rank all three of us right now."

"Sakamoto then Takasugi then you."

"Forget it. We don't need to be that honest with each other."

"Very well. So. About my proposition?"

Gintoki sighs. "I'm not really a guy who—"

"I know."

"And I'm not going to—"

"Of course not."

"So don't start—"

"I wouldn't dream of it. I like our relationship as is."

"I should turn you down for giving me a heart attack in public." Gintoki runs a hand through his hair. "And for trying to buy your way into my pants with three parfaits."

"How many parfait would that take?"

"Four at least." Gintoki eats some of the ice cream from his second parfait. "The kids'll be on a job tomorrow afternoon."

"Okay." Katsura nods. "Great. Thanks."

"God, shut up, why are you thanking me?!"

"I don't know! I'm appreciative but also deeply uncomfortable!"

"Excuse me," their waitress says, putting down his third parfait, "would you mind lowering your voices?"

"I apologize!" Katsura lowers his voice marginally and gets up. "I'll see you tomorrow then. For sex."

Gintoki drags his third parfait towards him and stares intently at it until Katsura is gone. "Idiot." He picks up his spoon again. "Idiot," he mumbles at himself.


End file.
